So I was walking around the DVD section in [insert believable shop name here] the other day when some lovely DVD boxes came into view. Red Dwarf! Oh how we’ve missed thee!
Without a moments hesitation we snaffled up all six series (because, of course, there were only EVER six series of Red Dwarf. That’s the truth, and anyone who says otherwise better carry a knife, that’s all I’m saying)
Like little kids at Christmas (little kids on speed, after eating all their fizzy Christmas sweets, in fact) we rushed back to the Fortress of Destruction… Did I say Fortress of Destruction? I do of course mean the flat. We slid the first disc into my unmodded XBox, and eagerly flipped on the power with huge expectant grins on our faces.
What we were subjected to next truly is the stuff of horror stories. A few choice phrases that were uttered within the first five minutes may give you an idea of the full depravity of what we witnessed:
“What the hell is that? It looks like a bright red CG cock!”
“What's the deal with all the fuzzy electric sound effects? I can’t hear the damn jokes!”
“Hang on a minute! These aren’t even good special effects! The 80s one you had in before was better!”
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY?!?!”
It appears, dear readers, that somehow (don’t ask me how) George Lucas has gotten his hands on our beloved space sitcom, Red Dwarf! And like Star Wars, E.T, and all the rest of them… he just couldn’t leave it be.
He’s turned it into something else… something… wrong… something too terrible to imagine!
Why? It wasn’t meant to be some high budget sci-fi flick! It’s a fecking sitcom! So why exactly have we got CG skutters roaming about in the foreground, stupid and utterly pointless CG tunnel chase scenes, and added post-production audio effects that make half the jokes inaudible? I half expected Kryten to walk in and say: “Me-sah Jar Jar!!!”
The worst thing is it would appear you can’t even buy the original, un-bolloxed versions any more!
That bastard Lucas! Rob Grant and Doug Naylor go to all that effort to make a fantastic and timeless comedy set in space, and you’ve gone and buggered it all up! Cheers George, nice one!
What’s next? Are we going to see Basil Fawlty smacking the crap out of a CG Ewok from Barcelona? You fiddling bastard!
In response Lemmy&Binky are proud to have set up the Lucaswatch scheme.
Have you spotted George Lucas leafing through your home movie collection in the dead of the night, maybe browsing the comedy section of your local HMV, or perhaps even breaking into your production studio and helping himself to your post-production room? If so, contact us immediately and we will be sure to report his whereabouts in our efforts to protect other people’s creative works! George Lucas MUST be stopped before it is too late!
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21 comments:
hey,
i actually only watched red dwarf as a kid on american public television - the last thing i remember happening was that all of a sudden the red dwarf had, like, a "real" captain and a hot babe on it...like, for some reason it was all of a sudden staffed by more than just our main characters. what happened after that?
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There are very likely issues with the enterprise merchandise. For case in stage, a successful offer could temporarily swamp a small organization with also many consumers, risking a likelihood that buyers will be dissatisfied, or that there won't be satisfactory remedy to satisfy the wish. Gap, a enormous garments retailer, was completely ready to control 445,000 low cost coupon codes in a countrywide deal (even even though it experienced server troubles at 1 stage), but a more compact enterprise could turn out to be all of a sudden flooded with clients. A single specific espresso store in Portland, Oregon struggled with an increase in clients for 3 months, when it sold shut to one,000 Groupons on the a single working day it was presented, according to one particular report. In reaction to comparable troubles, Groupon officers point out that 'deal' subscriptions need to be capped in development to a reasonable selection.
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