Since this is a day for airing great travesties, here is perhaps the most dreadful thing that has been carried out by the mind of man since… well, since that really bad thing that happened a while back (you know, that really bad one) This story of debauchery began when my old and dear friend Mr. VHS departed this mortal coil a few months back, leaving us without all our dear beloved TV shows and such to give us an excuse not to work on Forgotten Element (and we’d never download anything ‘cause we’re nice like that)
So I was walking around the DVD section in [insert believable shop name here] the other day when some lovely DVD boxes came into view. Red Dwarf! Oh how we’ve missed thee!
Without a moments hesitation we snaffled up all six series (because, of course, there were only EVER six series of Red Dwarf. That’s the truth, and anyone who says otherwise better carry a knife, that’s all I’m saying)
Like little kids at Christmas (little kids on speed, after eating all their fizzy Christmas sweets, in fact) we rushed back to the Fortress of Destruction… Did I say Fortress of Destruction? I do of course mean the flat. We slid the first disc into my unmodded XBox, and eagerly flipped on the power with huge expectant grins on our faces.
What we were subjected to next truly is the stuff of horror stories. A few choice phrases that were uttered within the first five minutes may give you an idea of the full depravity of what we witnessed:
“What the hell is that? It looks like a bright red CG cock!”
“What's the deal with all the fuzzy electric sound effects? I can’t hear the damn jokes!”
“Hang on a minute! These aren’t even good special effects! The 80s one you had in before was better!”
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY?!?!”
It appears, dear readers, that somehow (don’t ask me how) George Lucas has gotten his hands on our beloved space sitcom, Red Dwarf! And like Star Wars, E.T, and all the rest of them… he just couldn’t leave it be.
He’s turned it into something else… something… wrong… something too terrible to imagine!
Why? It wasn’t meant to be some high budget sci-fi flick! It’s a fecking sitcom! So why exactly have we got CG skutters roaming about in the foreground, stupid and utterly pointless CG tunnel chase scenes, and added post-production audio effects that make half the jokes inaudible? I half expected Kryten to walk in and say: “Me-sah Jar Jar!!!”
The worst thing is it would appear you can’t even buy the original, un-bolloxed versions any more!
That bastard Lucas! Rob Grant and Doug Naylor go to all that effort to make a fantastic and timeless comedy set in space, and you’ve gone and buggered it all up! Cheers George, nice one!
What’s next? Are we going to see Basil Fawlty smacking the crap out of a CG Ewok from Barcelona? You fiddling bastard!
In response Lemmy&Binky are proud to have set up the Lucaswatch scheme.
Have you spotted George Lucas leafing through your home movie collection in the dead of the night, maybe browsing the comedy section of your local HMV, or perhaps even breaking into your production studio and helping himself to your post-production room? If so, contact us immediately and we will be sure to report his whereabouts in our efforts to protect other people’s creative works! George Lucas MUST be stopped before it is too late!
We will try, but we will need your help!
Help us kill George Lucas today! Did I say kill? I do of course mean kill.