Friday, May 18, 2007

Lemmy&Binky Guide to Pulling Women

As you may, or may not, know, apart from our penchant for comma-ridden run-on sentences, Lemmy&Binky, indie babblers extraordinaire(s), are literally brilliant at pulling women. No, seriously. We may be pasty-faced computer geeks that have spoken more words to Nintendogs than real women, but we know our stuff, and that is a fact.

Anyway, after clambering for another subject to do one of our ever-useful "Lemmy&Binky guides" we decided we would share our "gift" with all the other indie geeks out there, and in the process destroy the entire indie game development industry by getting all the developers girlfriends.

This guide is, of course, flagrantly disregarding the fact that some indie developers are apparently women, but come on! That must be some kind of Garage Games spawned propaganda to get poor nerds to buy Torque on the grounds that it might get them laid, and we ain't buying it! Sorry Garage Games!

We also saw this as an opportunity to show that we understand women, and dispel some of the vicious myths that we think all women who don't look like Mia should be put in "camps" of some description.

So let the guidage begin!

Confidence is Everything

You aren't going to attract the womens if you think you're a bit rubbish and that. Here are some tips on becoming more confident when listening to women prattle on about whatever it is they like to prattle on about.

Be the Alpha Male

What is the "Alpha Male", you ask? Well, you know when you see those nature programmes and that lion goes around the place eating gazelles and things? Well it's got something do with them. Lions, that is.

Here are some tips to becoming the "Alpha Male".

  • Apply some extra downwards velocity to your footsteps, making a 'clomping' sound as you walk. This gives you something called 'presence'.
  • When any other male in the vicinity says anything at all, scoff and say "how d'ya figure that??" in a loud voice.
  • Buy a t-shirt with a big letter "A" printed on the front of it, and buy all your friends t-shirts with other letters on them for their birthdays. Act all hurt if they refuse to wear them on nights out.
  • Fight things at every opportunity. Mountain gorillas work best, but even brutally attacking a small bush can work well if approached with sufficient gusto.

Above all, remember one thing: "Arrogance" is just a word invented by rubbish people who are jealous of you.

The 'Russell Crowe' Technique

There is what is known in the pickup-artist circles as the Russell Crowe Technique, which can help tremendously if you're one of those types who lack in confidence. The routine is simple: Each day spend just ten minutes convincing yourself that you're Russell Crowe. To do this, you can repeat the mantra "G'day mate, I am Russell Crowe" repeatedly to yourself, start random fights with people on the tube, or 'remember' how funny it was when that guy who plays Harold Bishop pooed himself on the set of Neighbours.

After a few weeks of this, you will literally become Russell Crowe. As well as having a lucrative career in the movie business, you will become an all together more confident person.

Offence is just a fence. Climb over it!

Wow! We've literally just amazed ourselves with that incredibly poignant and cleverly writ section header. Fuck knows what in crickey it means, but we're almost definite it can increase your pulling power by at least 21.45%! Use it responsibly! Like Spiderman!

Women want a man who understands them

Women aren't looking for some guy who doesn't realise them as a person with aspirations and skills, and a person with potential to do whatever they put their minds to. You need to be ready to show that you understand them, to complement them on not just their nice boobies and pretty smile, but also on the things that other sexist blokes would never consider complementing them on, like what they are good at and are passionate about. To show them respect for their own unique accomplishments and merits that go beyond physical appearance.

A good way to do this is to try and drop into the conversation, as early as possible, that you sincerely respect how much better at ironing they likely are than you. Also that you bet they get the really clever jokes on "Have I Got News For You". Even the ones about politics and stuff!

Also take the time to find out what else they are passionate about. What soaps do they like, exactly? And who do they think is going to win Fame Academy this time?

Presenting Yourself

You aren't going to get anywhere if you're wearing clothes made of paper, or have only shaved around your face and left a little bush of hair under your nose, or something equally silly. Also if you shout a lot, or talk too quiet, you're going to come across in a way that makes them not want to sleep with you.

Actually, scratch that last bit. Shouting will probably work, as long as you *really* shout, like you're the best shouter in the world or something. They'd dig that kinda shit, surely?


So you want to dress in a way that women find "fashionable". This means going into a clothes shop and, instead of picking clothing that you think "I could wear that!" as you normally would, instead choose clothes that you personally think would make you look stupid and wouldn't suit you. There is a 93.4% chance that these are "fashionable".


Regarding your voice, the best way to sound attractive to a woman is to put on a British accent. If you are British anyway, and are in Britain at the time, then obviously this isn't going to work. In this case, try putting on an accent like Dr. Bashir off Deep Space Nine instead. That'll do the trick!


It is a little known fact that full-on man sweat is the most attractive fragrance to women.

Some noble nerds in the fragrance industry originally invented deodorant to combat the superior man-sweat in big, burly football watching blokey blokes, to try and readdress the balance of power somewhat in the favour of the geek community.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way this vital information was lost, and the poor geeks have started using this fantastically potent anti-sex weapon on themselves, buying into the propaganda campaign that it is going to help them in their battle to get their end away! Oh the irony!

Remember: Sweat soiled under-arms are like the fans of a peacock. Flap them about wildly, and women be yours!


Pulling women is easy. If you are ever in doubt, just do the exact opposite to what logic would suggest, and you are probably on the right path.

In the wise words of Dave Lister, women are not some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery, they're just people.

And once you realise this fact, then you'll always have the edge in convincing them they want to sleep with you, even when they actually don't!

Happy hunting!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Lemmy&Binky Indieview # 2 – Jack Thompson

For our second "indieview", we're excited to have unflappable seer of truth and justice, Jack Thompson of Thompsonsquire. In case you don't know who he is, he’s that brilliant comedy character that has been turning up in web-comics right across the internet. Imagine our surprise when it turned out to be a real person!

We’ve been reading his stuff, and he clearly knows what he’s talking about! This is the brave warrior against all that is evil in the world (violent video games, obviously) and his never-ending quest to bring down child-corrupting evil empires like id software and Rockstar North.

We salute you, Jack Thompson! Tell us how it really is!

L&B: Hi Jack! Thank you for joining us! So, tell us how video games cause violence?

JT: Well, to determine the link between violent video games and murderous psychosis, there have been many extensive studies performed on groups of hippies. We made them play a game called Gibbage, created by some murderer-lover called Marshadillo Dondanshell. After 10 minutes of playing they began to show some homicidal tendencies, mainly pulling on each others hair. After 30 minutes of game-play the group began to eat each other's eyes out, and torture rats with acid. After 2 hours of exposure, every single one of them had begun constructing orbital weapon platforms, with aspirations of galactic domination.

L&B: Couldn't that just be coincidence?

JT: No! The problem is that gamers seem to blindly defend violent video games without even looking into the facts! For example, did you know that Hitler played violent video games?

L&B: Hitler? Wow! That explains a lot, huh?

JT: Yes indeed! The fact is we have strong evidence to suggest that US Marines found several copies of Doom and Super Columbine Massacre RPG in Hitler's bunker shortly after the fall of the Third Reich. This evidence is in addition to sections of his Nuremberg address, where he can clearly be heard saying "GTA: Vice City is the shit, man!" and "I got me a score of 12 on Manhunt!". This is stone cold FACT that anyone can find out by reading things I say in interviews.

L&B: So are you saying that Hitler wasn't mentally unhinged in any way before playing games?

JT: Exactly! We can see from looking at official records that, before he began playing these vile "murder simulators", he was a compassionate, well adjusted and friendly guy who regularly got invited to parties and asked to baby sit friends' small children. He even had quite a stylish moustache that looked a little bit like a Fu Manchu!

L&B: So violent video games caused World War II, then?

JT: Of course! He was a vegetarian painter! What could possibly turn a friendly, animal loving, vegetarian painter into a genocidal maniac? Surely playing on a video game for a few hours is the only thing that could have this profound an effect on someone's mind? The fact is this conclusively proves that every act of violence committed since the dawn of our species can be blamed on these sick video game "murder simulators".

L&B: So what about the Mongol invasions?

JT: Errr… Counterstrike.

L&B: Ahhh. Of course… Well who can argue with that?

JT: Indeed! The fact is, an independent study conclusively proves that anybody who disagrees with me plays violent video games, and is therefore a murderer. Who can trust a murderer? No one, that's who!

Man, I'm so obviously right about every single thing I say!

L&B: You are that, Jack my friend, you are that! So what's next in
the exciting world of video-game fascism?

JT: Well, I'm currently working on a case to prove that Mario causes gayness.

L&B: Wow! Can we have your autograph?

JT: Racist!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Through the Indie Looking Glass – 1st April 2007

Welcome to Through the Indie Looking Glass! This is the rather sophisticatedly yet lovingly cliché titled regular feature on the blog where we, the writers, will write for you, the readers, to read, about up-and-coming indie games that will make your eyes bleed (in a good way) or maybe make your ears fall off--though this is unlikely as they’re probably pretty well attached by sinew and flesh (unless you’ve been mauled by a dog, in which case you’re probably not that concerned about the goings on in the indie scene at this moment, are you??)

Lemmy&Binky is the only place you will ever need to go to find out about all those up-and-coming indie gems! And we’re not only talking about the kind of gems that you can match 3 of to make them disappear, oh no! We’re talking about the kind of gems that—

Scratch this, it’s not working. Now on with the games:


This long awaited title from Gibbage creator Donatello Marshmellow is top of our list of most anticipated indie games of the century.

Dubbed by its creator as “Multiplayer Mathematical Fun—With Blood”, and continuing on Don’s tradition of old-skool social gaming. Addage sees two players violently duking it out in 30 diverse arenas with every increasingly difficult mathematical puzzles, along with wise proverbs from the man himself, and promises to be the most violent edutainment title ever made. This has not stopped “The Don” marketing the upcoming release of the game to schools across the country, where he hopes to “breed a new generation of twisted and violent youths with an excellent grasp of long multiplication”.

Good luck Don, we look forward to hearing more on this exciting title!

Jill Goes Postal

Jill, the heart-meltingly lovely-yet-bland and pert-breasted lass from the hit Cake Mania series, is back, and this time she’s pissed off!

After the violent murder of her grandparents by rival cake-shop proprietor Mr. Trifle, Jill embarks upon a hate-filled quest for bloody vengeance, which will see Jill travel across America handing out terminal justice to all of her enemy’s friends and family by ever more sadistic means, before finally ridding the world forever of his disgusting apple and carrot marzipan cakes.

After playing an early beta copy, we feel the developers must be commended for the brave social commentary that runs through the game, broaching such taboo subjects as racism, incest and buggery. This is a day that Jill, and her helpless victims, will likely never forget!

We’ll keep you posted on any news about this one!

Bill O’ Reilly’s Coconut Knockout Extreme Challenge

A bit of a scoop here! Seems that Fox News presenter Bill O’ Reilly has stepped into the indie development arena, with a fun little casual game which is similar to the Coconut Shies that have entertained fairground visitors for centuries.

BORCKEC, as it’s being referred to across the interweb, is a pleasing blend of casual mouse-driven arcade game-play, and right-wing elitist propaganda that is sure to please all but the most hard-core, leftie gamers. Your task is to knock over enough coconuts in the allotted time so that “Bush the Great Commander for the Good and Just” will award you a golden button. You must win all 14 golden buttons before you will be able to annihilate all countries in the Middle East and claim all that “black go juice” for your brave leader!

In a highly generous move, Bill has revealed that BORCKEC will be completely free to download, and is even vying to get it included in the next service pack for Windows Vista to sit alongside old favourites Solitaire and Minesweeper.

What a lovely bloke!


As the only realistic Linux user simulator on the market, the LU series is often touted as being as close to the experience of being a Linux user available. LU3 puts you in the driver’s seat of the most accurate virtual Linux box to date, and promises to be the best iteration of the franchise so far.

LU3 sports ultra-high definition 3D graphics of an authentic looking Linux terminal and desk, with amazing attention to detail (even in as far as your character’s smug and self-satisfied grin reflected in the monitor) as well as full-stereo sound of humming machines, distant tapping of keys and violent retching, this game puts you straight into the action. The mouse can be used to focus on different parts of the monitor while playing, or to look around in distain at other characters in the game, with the keyboard being used to type in unnecessarily long console commands, as well as to trigger various patronizing snorts and half-baked, biased arguments at passing PC users about how much better and more secure Linux is than Windows.

You can take control over 30 different Linux users, from the balding, overweight, sweaty Linux-head who just hates Microsoft purely for the sake of it, to the weedy, creepy Linux user who claims erroneously that Linux never, ever crashes, and that anyone who uses a PC is obviously a brainwashed idiot. As well as this, LU3 realistically simulates many different Linux distributions, from Gnome, to some of the lesser known ones like those that we’ve never heard of and can’t be bothered to google.

The game has a steep learning curve, and the user interface is very clunky, unreliable and difficult to use, while later levels will undoubtedly prove a near impossible challenge when PC users start using counter-arguments about how much of an unnecessary arse on it is to do even the simplest of tasks in Linux--though all these shortcomings are unavoidable if the game is to provide an authentic experience.

For those who are looking for a simple and arcadeier operating system simulator, this will probably not be your cup of tea.

Also, the game is only currently available on Windows, like pretty much every other piece of software that exists today.

Match-4 Match Mania Madness 4

No, come back! This is the Match-3 game that will turn the entire genre on its head. Why? It’s so daringly original it is hardly fair calling it a Match-3 game. For a start, you match 4, not 3! And you’re not matching gems! Oh no! You’re matching matches!

These matchsticks have different coloured tips. Once you match 4 of them, their coloured tips will ignite, burning all adjacent matchsticks that have tips of the same colour!

Also the matches don’t fall down from the top of the screen as, in a radical twist on the genre; they kind of slide in from the right, and wobble up and down a bit.

There are also no green matches! M4MMM4 has a shockingly original brownish colour match tip instead. Totally crazy!

There are also “power matches” which… (You were going to say: you bet they destroy all the matches on the screen that are the same colour as the match it lands on? Weren’t you?) Well, HA! HA, HA and triple HA! They don’t do that at all!) They do something completely different. They destroy all the matches on the screen that are the same colour as the match to the right of where they land!

Also the gravity goes up… and to the left! Plus you play the levels in reverse order!


This list goes on and on. As you can probably tell, this is as far away from a traditional Match-4 game as you could possibly get without it spontaneously transforming into some kind of first-person-shooter or farming simulator or something. Awesmoe!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Celebrity Indie Game Review: Cute Cats

As regular readers of our blog will be fully aware, Lemmy&Binky are committed to bringing you only the finest in high quality Indie Games reviews from all of our high-profile celebrity contacts.

Today’s review will be no different. We spoke to five top-notch celebrity cute cats and asked them to review their very favourite Indie Games…

Cute Cat #1 – Mr Miggles reviews Shlongg!

Mr Miggles - likes pink things.

After tucking into a lovely bowl of Sheba, Mr Miggles likes nothing more than playing with a ball of twine, and therefore also awesmoe “ball of twine” simulator, Shlongg!

Impressively, during the review, Mr Miggles only wee’d on the keyboard twice – clearly a mark of respect to the “whizzy twirly stuff” which have made this game “whizzy and twirly”.

Mr Miggles rates Shlongg 1 bird’s head, and an unidentifiable mound of goo.

Cute Cat #2 – Buffles & Brother Percy review Gibbage

Buffles & Brother Percy. They’re friends, see?

Buffles and Brother Percy are social gamers, so their game of choice would naturally be Don Marshmallow’s Gibbage. Attracted by the special “things”, “stuff”, and “that” features which have made this game a hit with kittens all over somewhere or other, Buffles and Percy sat enthralled for literally minutes before they started excitedly licking each other in places we’d rather not talk about.

Buffles & Brother Percy rate Gibbage 5 stars out of 3 apples.

Cute Cat #3 – Fogsworth reviews Democracy

Fogsworth shortly after playing Democracy

Shy little Fogworth got a bit scared playing Democracy. In a highly unexpected turn of events, the sheer depth of gameplay in Democracy caused Fogsworth to spontaneously transform into a bunny. And a rather adorable bunny at that. Can there be any higher form of praise? Well yes, obviously, but that’s not the point. The point is this: If Fogsworth can turn into a bunny after just three minutes playing Democracy , imagine the horrific experimentation he’s enduring right now! “Save kittens, buy Democracy!” Fogsworth would be saying if he wasn’t currently pumped full of morphine!

Fogsworth rates Democracy 4 influenza injections and some eye-shadow.

Cute Cat #4 – Germima reviews Click the Spot

Germima – Definitely not bored by Click the Spot

Germima loves Click the Spot so much, that she doesn’t need to actually ever play the game to adore it. But she thinks it’s great, honestly, and this game is definitely not included here because it was written by us. No, it’s a complete coincidence – we would say it surprised us, but frankly given how mind-blowingly brilliant Click the Spot is, its inclusion here in the upper echelons of cutting edge Indie Games was inevitable.

Lemmy&Binky – er, we mean Germima, rates Click the Spot 5,000,000% amazing-ness.

Cute Cat #5 – Piddlefoot reviews Cake Mania

Only the cutest cats love Cake Mania

Piddlefoot loves Cake Mania! Piddlefoot lives and breathes Cake Mania! And like how dogs reflect their owners, so do cats reflect their very favourite Indie Games. So what greater tribute can there be to the deep and absorbing (dare I say it?) King of Indie Games than just quite how delightfully huggable Piddlefoot has become after playing. The picture says it all, we think… awwww, bless!

Piddlefoot rates Cake Mania as brilliant as he is cute. Praise indeed! Well done, Cake Mania!

So there we have it! A complete run down of the finest Indie Games that we could be bothered to find out the names of, in a format to satisfy the tens of people that come to our blog via the search terms “Cute Cat”. Don’t say we never give back to the little people, or if you do say it, say it quietly so nobody can hear.

Lemmy&Binky rate this blog post 1 out of 10, must try harder.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Lemmy&Binky Indieview #1 Prof. Stephen Hawking

Welcome deer readers! (and other assorted mammals that might also happen to be reading). You are lucky enough to join us after an extended hiatus with an exciting new regular feature on the site!

In the Lemmy&Binky Indieviews we will quiz the greatest minds of our generation on their most loved and most hated indie games, how much they like a quick game of Cake Mania before tea, and exactly how many copies of Gibbage they have bought.

Joining us for our first Indieview is renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, who has taken some time out from his busy schedule of talking about black holes and reading Penny Arcade to join us for a chat about the indie gaming scene. What a lovely bloke!

L&B: Thanks for joining us Prof. Hawking! So with all your thinking about science and that, we can imagine you don't get much time for playing indie games?

Stephen Hawking: Hi Lemmy&Binky, thanks for your recent email which you sent to Prof. Stephen Hawking- Stephen would be happy to contribute an interview to your site but unfortunately he is away at a conference at the moment - please feel free to send your questions to me and I will ensure Stephen answers them when he returns. Best regards Cathy

L&B: So what do you think of Gibbage? A great game, isn't it?

Stephen Hawking: Hello Lemmy&Binky, I'm afraid Prof. Hawking will be away from the office until the 26th of March so it would be best if you sent us a complete copy of your questions so he can tackle them all when he returns from his trip. Best regards Cathy.

L&B: Well we haven't had a post on our site for a while now, and we don't really want to wait until the 26th if at all possible. Isn't there any way you could get a copy of the questions over to him?

Stephen Hawking: I'm afraid he is unlikely to have the time to particapate in your interview until he gets back. May I ask what this interview is actually regarding?

L&B: the interview will be mainly about the indie scene, though we will stick in a couple of spacey questions in there to give Prof. Hawking a chance to plug his own stuff, any new books he has out or whatever. Sound good?

Stephen Hawking: I'm not sure I understand what this "indie scene" is that you mention, is this something relating to Stephen's professional work at all?

L&B: Well not really. We tried to get Peter Molyneux but he wouldn't answer our e-mails.

Stephen Hawking: Please refrain from e-mailing us any more regarding this matter. I will send Stephen a copy of this email thread when he returns, and if he wishes to participate in an interview you will hear from him then. Regards Cathy.

So there you have it! When he's not he's not mulling over space-time, Prof. Hawking likes nothing more than going to conferences... of some description. He also has a PA called Cathy, though she may be his publicist. Or wife. Or something. You heard it here first, in the Lemmy&Binky Indieview!

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Chavs Stole Our Computer Games Shocker!

Cast your mind back to that magical time in the mid to late eighties. No, I don’t mean literally, that’d be impossible, obviously.

Okay, not in some paranormal psychic way either, that’d be silly! And no, I’m not speaking of some literal magic, as we all know magic only existed until 1892...

Look, do you want to hear this story or not? Geez!

Okay, so back in the late eighties... Was it the late eighties? I can’t remember.

Scratch this, let’s start again.

So I was about 6 years old... Yes, this story is about me, but could easily be a story about you. (That’s a much better way to start the story. It gives us a kind of connection right off the bat—if, of course, it could be a story about you, and completely different stuff didn’t happen to you, in which case I’ve probably just smashed your suspension of disbelief)

Anyway, I remember it was a time when a little pale-skinned Lemmy would beaver away on his Sinclair Spectrum day and night. Gauntlet? Remember that? Saboteur. That was ace. Etc. See? I’m getting all nostalgic now!

Now the thing is, back then it was generally seen as some gross abnormality for a kid to spend more time prodding at rubber keys and making little arrangements out of those little moisture absorbing packets of granules atop their black and white TV to try and get the fucking vertical hold to sort its life out, than to go out in the sunshine and poke at dog crap with a stick. To put it simply, I was a bit of a geek.

“Oh, why isn’t playing computer games cool?!” I used to cry in vain as I tried to negotiate my little frog across a busy road. “Why does it seem like I am one of the only people in the world who likes computer games?” I cursed as I tried to negotiate Horace across a busy road.

It’s at this point, if this story was ever filmed, that we would probably do some swanky swish cut to the modern day, and the viewer would probably see some underlying symbolism or subtext, or maybe it would be printed on the screen Frasier style if it were written in American, I don’t know. And that is this (the subtext, that is): Careful what you wish for.

And now we’re at the nub of the matter. No, a Chav didn’t literally break into my house in the middle of the night and lift my copy of Fallout 2 to afford some smack, but he might as well have done.

See, when games were primarily targeted at pasty-faced geeks, I kinda liked a lot of them. But something terrible has happened in the past decade or so. We geeks have been supplanted as the main target audience of computer games (I mean VIDEO games right?) instead being offered interactive entertainment treats such as Shooty Shooty Kill Kill 6 and Quest for the Kill Your Face In With a Gun: Part Deux.

If it were just the violent angle that wouldn’t be too bad, but please don’t piss about with the actual gameplay! It was fine how it was! Not content with beating us up for liking nerdy games when we were kids, Charvers have now got a step further and muscled in on our guilty pastime, leaving us with the straggler 1 in 20 titles that actually appeal to us! Bastards!

What started me off this rant? A few things actually, the first main offender I remember being an awesmoe game on my Amiga called...

UFO: Enemy Unknown
(or XCOM: UFO Defence)

Yeah, so they're all blond. Who cares?

Turn based squad tactics, and it was totally ace.

The decline of the XCOM franchise cannot be described with words, and the only possible way to get the this tragic fall from grace across aptly is with the Britnometer system shown below:


What happened then? Some publisher guy sat in a board room somewhere said something to the effect of: “XCOM was great! Really great. Except, why can’t all the little people run around AT THE SAME TIME?” You bloody Fraggle, look what you’ve done! That’s one of the main reasons it WAS great!

Well, it’s not his fault, really. He wants money in his pocket, he wants huge profits, as they always have. Sad fact is that the original fans of the original XCOM game are outnumbered to Chavs by like 10 to 1. He’s going after the biggest demographic. And the biggest demographic want “everything to move at once”, so that’s what they get!

Of course it sucked, but we could have told him that. Probably made more money though!

Next came, perhaps the greatest game I’ve ever played in my life. Quite a contemporary title that made me stand up and go “the game industry may not be irrevocably stuffed after all!” – The legendary

Elder Scrolls 3: Morrowind!

I won’t go into all the details of why Morrowind is not only the best RPG game ever, but in my opinion the best game ever, but rest assured it is, as ruled by the Grand Council of Correctness in Geneva for 5 years running. It has its faults, sure, some glaring ones. But the good bits are so good that the problems seem completely inconsequential, and do in fact seem like unavoidable side-effects that come with making such an ambitious and immense game.

The Elder Scrolls series just get BETTER AND BETTER! What could be next?

Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion

...that’s what.

Okay, I won’t be too harsh on Oblivion, as it was actually a pretty damn good game, in its own right. But the problem is they catered for the mainstream again. No Chav’s gonna play Morrowind, that’s for darn sure! It addressed all the problems in Morrowind, at the cost of 90% of what made Morrowind good in the first place!!! Oblivion is a fraction of the size of Morrowind due to the now commercially compulsory recorded speech instead of written text. All RPG dice rolls have been removed from the system in favour of FPS style combat. A Chav doesn’t want to swing at a rat and miss, regardless of how shit he is with a sword. The list goes on. I’ll leave Oblivion there though as I’m coming to the game that sent me into this psychopathic rant:

Fallout Tactics

Could have been great!

Fallout 1 and 2 were awesome. I am, if you hadn’t guessed already, a big fan of turn-based strategy games. I like real-time stuff too, I do like some FPS games, platformers, fighting games, and of course adventure games, but there’s something really cool for me about games where it’s not about how fast you can click, how well you know hotkeys, or how quick your reactions are (not to mention the fact that I’m allergic to adrenaline). I like games where it’s all about what you do, not how fast you can do it, or how well you’ve developed complimentary automatic muscular responses by playing it for 200+ hours.

The Fallout battle system is like UFO x 10. It’s great fun! Imagine the horror when it transpired that Fallout Tactics had become... wait for it... REAL-TIME!

Beep beep! The Britnometer’s going crazy on this one!

Okay, so Fallout Tactics has been out a few years, so I’m kind of late on this rant. I’d already written off the single player years ago on account of it not really being the RPG Fallout 1 or 2 were.

Since then, it has been gathering dust at my parent’s house, but now I’m all internetted up, I saw it on a shelf and I thought I’d bring it home and give it a crack online. Fallout multiplayer?? Must be good, right? Wrong!

To be fair, unlike the evil XCOM people, they have kept in the turn-based option for all those fan’s of the actual series.

The problem is that again, for every fan of the original Fallout games, there are ten Chavs finishing GTA San Andreas and wondering what they should play next. Guess what? Pretty much EVERYONE who plays online all play in real-time, which pretty much means having a bunch of characters running about like nutters on speed dying horribly every five seconds. It’s been turned into Quake!

Fallout TACTICS you say?

It’s coming up to my third day of trying to find someone to play turn-based with online, and still to no avail. Gutted. I did have a brief play when a mate visited, turn-based naturally, as he is of a similar mind as myself. It was frickin’ awesmoe! Well done 14 Degrees East. But why couldn’t you have had the bottle just to stick to that? Money. Target Demographics. Chavhandling. That’s what.

Don't get me started on that other Fallout game...

So who do I really blame for all this? At the end of the day?


They created the “Playstation generation” and done gone buggered it all up.


Monday, November 20, 2006

So you want to be an Indie Developer?

So, you always wanted to make games for a living, right? Well now is your chance, as Lemmy&Binky offer you a one-stop guide that will get you making games quicker than [look up speed-related pop culture reference].

So without further ado, let us take you on a journey! A mysterious journey filled with excitement and wonder. A magical ride, where the only limits are... Sorry, what we meant to say was...

So without further ado--

Financial Support

Okay, so first things first. Your IGF winning indie game is not even going to get made if you’re out on the streets dining out of rubbish bins, is it? You’re going to need to be able to financially support yourself for maybe a year (possibly even two) whilst you make your game.

This is why most indie game developers tend to sell drugs and weapons to support development of their games (Libya is a good place to start with this). Some indie developers also like to dabble in sex trafficking, though many feel it too time-consuming. We strongly recommend you buy a copy of Dave Perry’s excellent bible on the subject of funding game development, “Sex, Drugs and AK47s”, which is available on Amazon and in all good book stores.

Quest for the Indie Stone

Before you start developing your indie game, you need to be in possession of one of the ancient Indie Stones. There are only known to be 12 of these in the world, which is the main reason the indie game industry is much smaller than the commercial game industry (the commercial games industry does not require mystical stones of any kind--just the tears of a disappointed child)

Of course, to obtain one, this means you will have to take an Indie Stone from another indie game developer. This is the only situation where indie game developers are permitted to kill each other.

One of the mystical Indie Stones


Now you’re in possession of an Indie Stone, you are a bonafide indie developer! Congratulations! This does however mean that you are certain to be getting a knock at the door from a slightly threatening man called Don Marshall. He will ask you if you want “protection”. Say yes! It’s just how things work on the indie game scene, so get used to it! We all have!


This is where your creativity can go wild! Just jot down details of how your game will work, perhaps on the back of a used bus ticket or something.

Things to think about: How many same colour blocks have to be adjacent to “match them”? Write it down. How many different coloured blocks ARE there? Write it down. How fast will the blocks fall? Write it down. Are there going to be special “power blocks” that destroy all connecting blocks of the same colour? Write it down.

Done? Good!

Uh-oh, now the tricky bit. You need to actually make the game! Where the hell do you start!?


Remember the fabled stone that you bloodied your Indie Knife to retrieve? Yes? Well, this is where it does its magic.

Now, first off, you need a hat. A top hat is considered the industry standard, but trilbies work just as well.

Start by turning the lights off in your computer room. Then, making sure you are in a comfortable typing position with the hat rested on your lap, put the Indie Stone into the hat, along with your written design.

Now you need to put your head into the hat. The mystical light that emits from the Indie Stone will transform the written words on your design into a strange code. You need to copy this code by typing it into a Word document on your PC.

Yes, you read that last bit right... you need to do this whilst your head is in the hat.

We’re sure you’ve heard that game development is hard, and this is why! This is called “coding”.

It is crucially important that no light from your monitor gets into the hat, otherwise it could interfere with the code that the Indie Stone projects. Light getting into the Indie Hat is the main cause of bugs in indie games (other offenders being bad handwriting, or using a baseball cap instead of a proper hat)

Once you’ve written all the code into the Word document, you need to email it to Bill Gates, who will “compile” it and send you back a working executable of your game! Hurray!


Testing is not very important. After all, come on! It’s only an indie game. Chill out! Geez!

Permission Granted

Awesmoe! Your game is finished! Congratulations!

But wait! Don’t go releasing it just yet! There’s something extremely important you have to do first, and that is... Ask for permission from George Lucas.

Yes, it’s true. George Lucas owns the copyright for any indie game that has ever been, or ever will be, produced. If you release an indie game without his expressed permission, then his lawyers will come down on you like a pack of wild dogs. Whilst we’re on the subject, it’s probably a good idea to call him rather than make a house visit, otherwise he’s likely to release his pack of wild dogs on you.


There is an age old ritual between indie developers and indie game web journalists that all successful indie developers adhere to. It is somewhat time consuming and can be expensive, but is a sure-fire way to ensure your game gets positive coverage across the internet. You must make the Indie Developer Pilgrimage.

Indie Developer Pilgrimage

The Indie Developer Pilgrimage has been made countless times by thousands of veteran indie game developers over the years, and is seen very much as a rite of passage for those who have never made the journey. The pilgrimage begins at London, England, before travelling over the Atlantic to New York, then up into Ottawa in Canada, followed by a journey back over the border and to the west coast of the US, the long trek across the Pacific to Tokyo, Japan, finally arriving back at London for a pint of Worthington’s and a game of Click the Spot. This epic journey can be seen below:

So what is the purpose of this trek? It’s not for the sightseeing, that’s for sure! Just part of the dance between the indie developer and their most venomous of foes, the know-it-all indie game web journalist.

In order to secure at the very least a 50% review score, the indie game developer must perform a series of intricate gestures in public at each city visited in the pilgrimage, hoping to attract the attention of any indie game journalists in the area. The dance must be exact, otherwise the indie game blogger will lose interest immediately, and will continue on their perpetual hunt for Jack Thompson news stories and Wii jokes.

We’ve not got the time, space nor the inclination to detail each of these moves in this guide, but the entertaining and highly informative DVD series “Bustin’ 10/10 Indie Moves”, by successful indie developer Cliff Harris, will steer you clear of all those stumbles and faux-pas gyrations that would otherwise see your indie game smashed with 6% right across the interweb.

You might also be wondering why the pilgrimage only includes England, US, Canada and Japan. This is mainly because indie game reviewers do not exist in any other country.


So, you’ve managed to attract the attention of a mischievous internet opinion-smith? Now it’s time to negotiate your score!

First, you need to write down your ideal review score, along with the number of a nearby pay-phone, onto the inside of a Twix wrapper and drop it nonchalantly into a tramp’s cup. It is a little known fact that 93% of homeless people are in the service of indie bloggers, and will immediately take your desired score to them.

Next, you must wait by the designated phone until it rings. DO NOT ANSWER IT. You must count the number of times it rings. This is the review score the indie word-peddler is wanting to award your efforts.

Once the phone has stopped ringing, if you are not happy with the score proposed, you have the opportunity to contest that score. Stand outside the phone-box and perform the correct gesture (the blogger is sure to be watching) and within a few seconds the phone will ring again. This time you are allowed to answer it. Now you are given 10 seconds (no more) to blurt out your arguments as to why your game deserves a higher score. It is a good idea to rehearse this in advance, as you only get one shot at it.

So that’s it! You’re now an experienced indie developer making a shed load of cash! Well done!

A few final pointers to help you on your way:

  • As an indie developer you will now have developed an acute allergy to wasp stings. Avoid at all costs!
  • Mahjongg and tits. Don’t break with tradition.
  • Giving your game a crap title will make it endearing – preferably something juvenile (like Shlongg?)
  • Games with the word “Mania” after them sell approximately 43.5% more copies. This effect can be doubled by adding the word “Xtreme”.
  • Screen* pScreen;

This article was part of the "So You Want To be An Indie Developer?" combine. For other "So You Want To Be An Indie Developer?" opinion and hintery, click one of these lovely links below: :- you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

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BoneBroke :-

Introversion :-

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