Lemmy&Binky Indieview # 2 – Jack Thompson

For our second "indieview", we're excited to have unflappable seer of truth and justice, Jack Thompson of Thompsonsquire. In case you don't know who he is, he’s that brilliant comedy character that has been turning up in web-comics right across the internet. Imagine our surprise when it turned out to be a real person!

We’ve been reading his stuff, and he clearly knows what he’s talking about! This is the brave warrior against all that is evil in the world (violent video games, obviously) and his never-ending quest to bring down child-corrupting evil empires like id software and Rockstar North.

We salute you, Jack Thompson! Tell us how it really is!

L&B: Hi Jack! Thank you for joining us! So, tell us how video games cause violence?

JT: Well, to determine the link between violent video games and murderous psychosis, there have been many extensive studies performed on groups of hippies. We made them play a game called Gibbage, created by some murderer-lover called Marshadillo Dondanshell. After 10 minutes of playing they began to show some homicidal tendencies, mainly pulling on each others hair. After 30 minutes of game-play the group began to eat each other's eyes out, and torture rats with acid. After 2 hours of exposure, every single one of them had begun constructing orbital weapon platforms, with aspirations of galactic domination.

L&B: Couldn't that just be coincidence?

JT: No! The problem is that gamers seem to blindly defend violent video games without even looking into the facts! For example, did you know that Hitler played violent video games?

L&B: Hitler? Wow! That explains a lot, huh?

JT: Yes indeed! The fact is we have strong evidence to suggest that US Marines found several copies of Doom and Super Columbine Massacre RPG in Hitler's bunker shortly after the fall of the Third Reich. This evidence is in addition to sections of his Nuremberg address, where he can clearly be heard saying "GTA: Vice City is the shit, man!" and "I got me a score of 12 on Manhunt!". This is stone cold FACT that anyone can find out by reading things I say in interviews.

L&B: So are you saying that Hitler wasn't mentally unhinged in any way before playing games?

JT: Exactly! We can see from looking at official records that, before he began playing these vile "murder simulators", he was a compassionate, well adjusted and friendly guy who regularly got invited to parties and asked to baby sit friends' small children. He even had quite a stylish moustache that looked a little bit like a Fu Manchu!

L&B: So violent video games caused World War II, then?

JT: Of course! He was a vegetarian painter! What could possibly turn a friendly, animal loving, vegetarian painter into a genocidal maniac? Surely playing on a video game for a few hours is the only thing that could have this profound an effect on someone's mind? The fact is this conclusively proves that every act of violence committed since the dawn of our species can be blamed on these sick video game "murder simulators".

L&B: So what about the Mongol invasions?

JT: Errr… Counterstrike.

L&B: Ahhh. Of course… Well who can argue with that?

JT: Indeed! The fact is, an independent study conclusively proves that anybody who disagrees with me plays violent video games, and is therefore a murderer. Who can trust a murderer? No one, that's who!

Man, I'm so obviously right about every single thing I say!

L&B: You are that, Jack my friend, you are that! So what's next in
the exciting world of video-game fascism?

JT: Well, I'm currently working on a case to prove that Mario causes gayness.

L&B: Wow! Can we have your autograph?

JT: Racist!

Through the Indie Looking Glass – 1st April 2007

Welcome to Through the Indie Looking Glass! This is the rather sophisticatedly yet lovingly cliché titled regular feature on the blog where we, the writers, will write for you, the readers, to read, about up-and-coming indie games that will make your eyes bleed (in a good way) or maybe make your ears fall off--though this is unlikely as they’re probably pretty well attached by sinew and flesh (unless you’ve been mauled by a dog, in which case you’re probably not that concerned about the goings on in the indie scene at this moment, are you??)

Lemmy&Binky is the only place you will ever need to go to find out about all those up-and-coming indie gems! And we’re not only talking about the kind of gems that you can match 3 of to make them disappear, oh no! We’re talking about the kind of gems that—

Scratch this, it’s not working. Now on with the games:

Addage

This long awaited title from Gibbage creator Donatello Marshmellow is top of our list of most anticipated indie games of the century.

Dubbed by its creator as “Multiplayer Mathematical Fun—With Blood”, and continuing on Don’s tradition of old-skool social gaming. Addage sees two players violently duking it out in 30 diverse arenas with every increasingly difficult mathematical puzzles, along with wise proverbs from the man himself, and promises to be the most violent edutainment title ever made. This has not stopped “The Don” marketing the upcoming release of the game to schools across the country, where he hopes to “breed a new generation of twisted and violent youths with an excellent grasp of long multiplication”.

Good luck Don, we look forward to hearing more on this exciting title!

Jill Goes Postal

Jill, the heart-meltingly lovely-yet-bland and pert-breasted lass from the hit Cake Mania series, is back, and this time she’s pissed off!

After the violent murder of her grandparents by rival cake-shop proprietor Mr. Trifle, Jill embarks upon a hate-filled quest for bloody vengeance, which will see Jill travel across America handing out terminal justice to all of her enemy’s friends and family by ever more sadistic means, before finally ridding the world forever of his disgusting apple and carrot marzipan cakes.

After playing an early beta copy, we feel the developers must be commended for the brave social commentary that runs through the game, broaching such taboo subjects as racism, incest and buggery. This is a day that Jill, and her helpless victims, will likely never forget!

We’ll keep you posted on any news about this one!

Bill O’ Reilly’s Coconut Knockout Extreme Challenge

A bit of a scoop here! Seems that Fox News presenter Bill O’ Reilly has stepped into the indie development arena, with a fun little casual game which is similar to the Coconut Shies that have entertained fairground visitors for centuries.

BORCKEC, as it’s being referred to across the interweb, is a pleasing blend of casual mouse-driven arcade game-play, and right-wing elitist propaganda that is sure to please all but the most hard-core, leftie gamers. Your task is to knock over enough coconuts in the allotted time so that “Bush the Great Commander for the Good and Just” will award you a golden button. You must win all 14 golden buttons before you will be able to annihilate all countries in the Middle East and claim all that “black go juice” for your brave leader!

In a highly generous move, Bill has revealed that BORCKEC will be completely free to download, and is even vying to get it included in the next service pack for Windows Vista to sit alongside old favourites Solitaire and Minesweeper.

What a lovely bloke!

LINUX USER 3

As the only realistic Linux user simulator on the market, the LU series is often touted as being as close to the experience of being a Linux user available. LU3 puts you in the driver’s seat of the most accurate virtual Linux box to date, and promises to be the best iteration of the franchise so far.

LU3 sports ultra-high definition 3D graphics of an authentic looking Linux terminal and desk, with amazing attention to detail (even in as far as your character’s smug and self-satisfied grin reflected in the monitor) as well as full-stereo sound of humming machines, distant tapping of keys and violent retching, this game puts you straight into the action. The mouse can be used to focus on different parts of the monitor while playing, or to look around in distain at other characters in the game, with the keyboard being used to type in unnecessarily long console commands, as well as to trigger various patronizing snorts and half-baked, biased arguments at passing PC users about how much better and more secure Linux is than Windows.

You can take control over 30 different Linux users, from the balding, overweight, sweaty Linux-head who just hates Microsoft purely for the sake of it, to the weedy, creepy Linux user who claims erroneously that Linux never, ever crashes, and that anyone who uses a PC is obviously a brainwashed idiot. As well as this, LU3 realistically simulates many different Linux distributions, from Gnome, to some of the lesser known ones like those that we’ve never heard of and can’t be bothered to google.

The game has a steep learning curve, and the user interface is very clunky, unreliable and difficult to use, while later levels will undoubtedly prove a near impossible challenge when PC users start using counter-arguments about how much of an unnecessary arse on it is to do even the simplest of tasks in Linux--though all these shortcomings are unavoidable if the game is to provide an authentic experience.

For those who are looking for a simple and arcadeier operating system simulator, this will probably not be your cup of tea.

Also, the game is only currently available on Windows, like pretty much every other piece of software that exists today.

Match-4 Match Mania Madness 4

No, come back! This is the Match-3 game that will turn the entire genre on its head. Why? It’s so daringly original it is hardly fair calling it a Match-3 game. For a start, you match 4, not 3! And you’re not matching gems! Oh no! You’re matching matches!

These matchsticks have different coloured tips. Once you match 4 of them, their coloured tips will ignite, burning all adjacent matchsticks that have tips of the same colour!

Also the matches don’t fall down from the top of the screen as, in a radical twist on the genre; they kind of slide in from the right, and wobble up and down a bit.

There are also no green matches! M4MMM4 has a shockingly original brownish colour match tip instead. Totally crazy!

There are also “power matches” which… (You were going to say: you bet they destroy all the matches on the screen that are the same colour as the match it lands on? Weren’t you?) Well, HA! HA, HA and triple HA! They don’t do that at all!) They do something completely different. They destroy all the matches on the screen that are the same colour as the match to the right of where they land!

Also the gravity goes up… and to the left! Plus you play the levels in reverse order!

Genius!

This list goes on and on. As you can probably tell, this is as far away from a traditional Match-4 game as you could possibly get without it spontaneously transforming into some kind of first-person-shooter or farming simulator or something. Awesmoe!

So you want to be an Indie Developer?

So, you always wanted to make games for a living, right? Well now is your chance, as Lemmy&Binky offer you a one-stop guide that will get you making games quicker than [look up speed-related pop culture reference].

So without further ado, let us take you on a journey! A mysterious journey filled with excitement and wonder. A magical ride, where the only limits are... Sorry, what we meant to say was...

So without further ado--

Financial Support

Okay, so first things first. Your IGF winning indie game is not even going to get made if you’re out on the streets dining out of rubbish bins, is it? You’re going to need to be able to financially support yourself for maybe a year (possibly even two) whilst you make your game.

This is why most indie game developers tend to sell drugs and weapons to support development of their games (Libya is a good place to start with this). Some indie developers also like to dabble in sex trafficking, though many feel it too time-consuming. We strongly recommend you buy a copy of Dave Perry’s excellent bible on the subject of funding game development, “Sex, Drugs and AK47s”, which is available on Amazon and in all good book stores.

Quest for the Indie Stone

Before you start developing your indie game, you need to be in possession of one of the ancient Indie Stones. There are only known to be 12 of these in the world, which is the main reason the indie game industry is much smaller than the commercial game industry (the commercial games industry does not require mystical stones of any kind--just the tears of a disappointed child)

Of course, to obtain one, this means you will have to take an Indie Stone from another indie game developer. This is the only situation where indie game developers are permitted to kill each other.

One of the mystical Indie Stones

Protection

Now you’re in possession of an Indie Stone, you are a bonafide indie developer! Congratulations! This does however mean that you are certain to be getting a knock at the door from a slightly threatening man called Don Marshall. He will ask you if you want “protection”. Say yes! It’s just how things work on the indie game scene, so get used to it! We all have!

Design

This is where your creativity can go wild! Just jot down details of how your game will work, perhaps on the back of a used bus ticket or something.

Things to think about: How many same colour blocks have to be adjacent to “match them”? Write it down. How many different coloured blocks ARE there? Write it down. How fast will the blocks fall? Write it down. Are there going to be special “power blocks” that destroy all connecting blocks of the same colour? Write it down.

Done? Good!

Uh-oh, now the tricky bit. You need to actually make the game! Where the hell do you start!?

Development

Remember the fabled stone that you bloodied your Indie Knife to retrieve? Yes? Well, this is where it does its magic.

Now, first off, you need a hat. A top hat is considered the industry standard, but trilbies work just as well.

Start by turning the lights off in your computer room. Then, making sure you are in a comfortable typing position with the hat rested on your lap, put the Indie Stone into the hat, along with your written design.

Now you need to put your head into the hat. The mystical light that emits from the Indie Stone will transform the written words on your design into a strange code. You need to copy this code by typing it into a Word document on your PC.

Yes, you read that last bit right... you need to do this whilst your head is in the hat.

We’re sure you’ve heard that game development is hard, and this is why! This is called “coding”.

It is crucially important that no light from your monitor gets into the hat, otherwise it could interfere with the code that the Indie Stone projects. Light getting into the Indie Hat is the main cause of bugs in indie games (other offenders being bad handwriting, or using a baseball cap instead of a proper hat)

Once you’ve written all the code into the Word document, you need to email it to Bill Gates, who will “compile” it and send you back a working executable of your game! Hurray!

Testing

Testing is not very important. After all, come on! It’s only an indie game. Chill out! Geez!

Permission Granted

Awesmoe! Your game is finished! Congratulations!

But wait! Don’t go releasing it just yet! There’s something extremely important you have to do first, and that is... Ask for permission from George Lucas.

Yes, it’s true. George Lucas owns the copyright for any indie game that has ever been, or ever will be, produced. If you release an indie game without his expressed permission, then his lawyers will come down on you like a pack of wild dogs. Whilst we’re on the subject, it’s probably a good idea to call him rather than make a house visit, otherwise he’s likely to release his pack of wild dogs on you.

Reviews

There is an age old ritual between indie developers and indie game web journalists that all successful indie developers adhere to. It is somewhat time consuming and can be expensive, but is a sure-fire way to ensure your game gets positive coverage across the internet. You must make the Indie Developer Pilgrimage.

Indie Developer Pilgrimage

The Indie Developer Pilgrimage has been made countless times by thousands of veteran indie game developers over the years, and is seen very much as a rite of passage for those who have never made the journey. The pilgrimage begins at London, England, before travelling over the Atlantic to New York, then up into Ottawa in Canada, followed by a journey back over the border and to the west coast of the US, the long trek across the Pacific to Tokyo, Japan, finally arriving back at London for a pint of Worthington’s and a game of Click the Spot. This epic journey can be seen below:

So what is the purpose of this trek? It’s not for the sightseeing, that’s for sure! Just part of the dance between the indie developer and their most venomous of foes, the know-it-all indie game web journalist.

In order to secure at the very least a 50% review score, the indie game developer must perform a series of intricate gestures in public at each city visited in the pilgrimage, hoping to attract the attention of any indie game journalists in the area. The dance must be exact, otherwise the indie game blogger will lose interest immediately, and will continue on their perpetual hunt for Jack Thompson news stories and Wii jokes.

We’ve not got the time, space nor the inclination to detail each of these moves in this guide, but the entertaining and highly informative DVD series “Bustin’ 10/10 Indie Moves”, by successful indie developer Cliff Harris, will steer you clear of all those stumbles and faux-pas gyrations that would otherwise see your indie game smashed with 6% right across the interweb.

You might also be wondering why the pilgrimage only includes England, US, Canada and Japan. This is mainly because indie game reviewers do not exist in any other country.

Negotations

So, you’ve managed to attract the attention of a mischievous internet opinion-smith? Now it’s time to negotiate your score!

First, you need to write down your ideal review score, along with the number of a nearby pay-phone, onto the inside of a Twix wrapper and drop it nonchalantly into a tramp’s cup. It is a little known fact that 93% of homeless people are in the service of indie bloggers, and will immediately take your desired score to them.

Next, you must wait by the designated phone until it rings. DO NOT ANSWER IT. You must count the number of times it rings. This is the review score the indie word-peddler is wanting to award your efforts.

Once the phone has stopped ringing, if you are not happy with the score proposed, you have the opportunity to contest that score. Stand outside the phone-box and perform the correct gesture (the blogger is sure to be watching) and within a few seconds the phone will ring again. This time you are allowed to answer it. Now you are given 10 seconds (no more) to blurt out your arguments as to why your game deserves a higher score. It is a good idea to rehearse this in advance, as you only get one shot at it.

So that’s it! You’re now an experienced indie developer making a shed load of cash! Well done!

A few final pointers to help you on your way:

• As an indie developer you will now have developed an acute allergy to wasp stings. Avoid at all costs!
• Mahjongg and tits. Don’t break with tradition.
• Giving your game a crap title will make it endearing – preferably something juvenile (like Shlongg?)
• Games with the word “Mania” after them sell approximately 43.5% more copies. This effect can be doubled by adding the word “Xtreme”.
• Screen* pScreen;

This article was part of the "So You Want To be An Indie Developer?" combine. For other "So You Want To Be An Indie Developer?" opinion and hintery, click one of these lovely links below:

Gibbage.co.uk :-
http://www.gibbage.co.uk/2006/11/so- you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

Cliffski's Mumblings :-
http://cliffski.blogspot.com/2006/11/so-you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

GameProducer.net :-
http://www.gameproducer.net/2006/11/20/so-you-want-to-be-an-indie-developer/

Reality Fakers :-
http://sharpfish.realityfakers.com/?p=103

Zoombapup :-
http://www.zoombapup.com/2006/11/so-you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

BoneBroke :-
http://www.bonebroke.com/blog/index.php/2006/11/20/so-you-want-to-be-an-indie-developer/

Introversion :-
http://www.introversion.co.uk/news/index.php

They Came from Hollywood :-
http://www.tcfh.com/news.html

Lemmy&Binky's Guide To Game Design

Every great game is built using Metaphor. Now Metaphor isn’t some programming language or document editor - I've only capitalised it because it’s Really Important. Like that bit. See? Good. Now our Metaphor should be Solid and Hard. Let’s pick an example.

How about pickle as in, "in this game the player gets in a bit of a pickle". Now you might be thinking that this is a great Metaphor because it implies that your game’s got great puzzles – pickle is after all made out of a combination (that means mix) of ingredients. And you combine things in some puzzle games. Also, pickle is quite tasty and you might want your game’s protagonist (that means player character) to be some tasty bird.

But no! Pickle is no good because pickle is squishy and not Solid and Hard. We need something that really screams Solid and Hard (that isn’t rude), and I can think of only one thing – a Rock. As in Solid as a Rock! Rock Hard! Rockefeller! Rock on, dude! Rocky IV! Baroque! Perfect!

How to conceptualize an award winning game

Every planet has a Rock at its core. Every game has a nugget of what it is, and that is the concept. The conceptualization of the game is the stage where you decide what is in the game. Conceptualization is really important.

Some great concepts include ones where the player has to do really cool things, like save the world or destroy something, or rescue a princess. A concept can also be something that is different about the game. It could involve no shooting, for example. Or it could involve shooting different things (like aliens, or innocent people)

Anyway, as you can see, ideas spray from my brain like a geyser of genius, but that is to be expected. For you this process may be hard. But do not despair, because a Rock is fashioned from smaller Rocks – for even the ant that stands on the pebble stands taller than the smaller ant, in the mud beside the pebble. I think that is the best way to express what I mean.

So, as you can see, conceptualizing is Very Important.

How to construct an exciting and absorbent narrative

Narrative is very important. A litre of water can be displaced by a Rock. And that Rock is the Narrative, in a bucket of Story.

The narrative is what happens in the story, and how the game happens to the player as they are playing the game. A narrative requires a narrator, and that narrator is you, and you must narrate to the player the story in the form of a narrative. This is what a narrative is.

Always start your narrative with a cut-scene!

This cut-scene should be long and impressive. Now, some gamers are lazy gamers, and they just want to get to the game-play as quickly as possible. Of course, we know that the narrative is Very Important, so it is crucial that you make sure this cut-scene is compulsory. A good way to do this is to disable the joy-pad (this is programming speak for making the joy-pad not work)

Gamers get tired hands

It is important to interrupt game-play frequently to give the player’s hands a rest. Adding numerous non-story related cut-scenes, a great example of which is the brilliant Resident Evil series and it’s fondly remembered opening door animations, which were actually not related to load times, but a genius bit of game design to rest gamers’ hands. You can use similar devices like overly complex “picking item up off floor” sequences, or blissfully long death animations.

Story drives game-play, not the other way around!

A car cannot be driven without a driver. That driver must be the story pushing the pedal of narrative. It is important that what happens in your story happens, whether the player likes it or not. It doesn’t matter if the player isn’t having fun right away, if it’s important to the story then put it in, because there’ll be plenty of time for fun later on.

Adding the plot twist

You must have a plot twist because it makes your story sound clever. A good way to add a plot twist is to make one of the characters a bad guy, even though you thought they were a good guy (like in Star Wars). This is a great example of a plot twist. Market Research scientifically shows that this plot twist will do, so just use that one. Also, make sure that this plot-twist is explained in full on the back of the box, to show the gamers that they are buying a clever game.

Think big (like a Rock, a big Rock)

Some small and boring game is not going to get to #1. Gamers are hungry for bigness, and only bigness will do. For example, it is generally seen as a bit of an embarrassment in the upper echelons of the game industry to release a game that fits on a single DVD (or perish the thought, a CD), so make sure your cut-scenes are high definition FMV that would make Peter Jackson bluish. Your story deserves it.

Ending on perfection

Spending time on the ending is not as important as the beginning, as only a few gamers will get to it. Junior designers or placement students would be ideal for this task, so you can spend your time making that all important intro! Remember to get your name first on the credits, and that the credits are accessible from the main menu (or better still compulsory at the start of the game). Remember whose hard work this game is down to. (Yours… and mine)

So there we go. Rock Solid game design in a nutshell. No not a nutshell actually, a Rock Holder. But a small Rock Holder that’s portable and fits into a pocket or something.

P.S. Buy Gibbage by Don Martian

Industry Top Facts: Shigeru Miyamoto

It's time for another edition of Industry Top Facts. This time we will be learning lots of interesting, and definitely true, tidbits about Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto!

1. Although most famous for coming up with Mario, Miyamoto was also responsible for inventing the postage stamp, Tuesday afternoons, and more crucially the Curley Wurley.

2. The main characters in Mario Bros were originally intended to be Russian gynaecologists, until Miyamoto came onto the project and insisted that Italian plumbers would be much more believable.

3. When demoing the Wii to top Nintendo execs, Miyamoto managed to sell the idea of the revolutionary control device by showing them a tech demo that involved poking a monkey out of a tree with a long stick.

4. The world and events portrayed in Legend of Zelda are based upon a true story.

5. Miyamoto is a huge fan of Gibbage, claiming it is much better than any game he’s ever come up with. He also refutes any claims that he has received any death threats through the post from Gibbage creator Don Marshall.

6. Miyamoto once wore a red plumber’s hat for 10 years straight for charity, but unfortunately he forgot to tell anyone; including the charity.

7. Miyamoto was once arrested for head-butting a shop proprietor’s block in downtown Tokyo.

8. The risqué comments Mario makes about the origins of Princess Peach’s name were removed from the US release of Super Mario Bros.

Gibbage Review

We thought we had better cement our place as the official place for really good reviews of games written in a witty way but also being really informative whilst writing in an extremely good style and that. For our first review will be Gibbage by Don Marshall.

Graphics
Not much can be said about the graphics in Gibbage.

10/10

Gameplay
There is some gameplay involved in Gibbage. This is mostly carried out through a keyboard.

10/10

Lastability
We soak-tested Gibbage on our PC for 20 days straight. It seemed to be lasting perfectly well, though we weren't playing it at the time (it was too dull)

10/10

Overall
On the while we found Gibbage to be an extremely fun and worthwhile experience. We did however feel the crack was not easy enough to find and apply, and involved too much fiddling with renaming filenames.

30/10

300%

Industry Top Facts: Peter Molyneux

Welcome to our regular feature where we dispense some interesting and completely true facts about leading people in the game industry!

The subject of this week's Industry Top Facts is the great Peter Molyneux! Let the factage commence!:



1. Peter Molyneux was invented by Sir Alexander Fleming in 1928.

2. For fun, Peter likes nothing more than shaving his collection of Arabian Baboons.

3. Peter was once arrested for spilling a cup of tea on Donald Rumsfeld's head during a volleyball tournament in Santa Monica.

4. Peter's all time favourite game is Gibbage, and he categorically denies that Dan Marshall has ever made a threatening phone call to him at 2am.

5. Peter once got up to go to the toilet 12 times in one night.

6. Peter Molyneux spelt backwards spells the words "Buy Fable, It's Fab".

7. Peter's company, Lionhead, was named after a mountain lion skull Peter uses to scare away Trick or Treaters.

You learn something new every day, don't you?